The Difference Between Helping, Fixing, and Serving

by Yaisha Vargas-Pérez, Mindfulness Teacher certified by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley, certified as a Mindfulness Mentor on the Cloud Sangha platform and certified as a Buddhist Eco-Chaplain by the Sati Center for Buddhist Studies in California

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HELPING, FIXING, AND SERVING – They are not the same! Imposing unsolicited help can end up causing the same resentment as unsolicited advice. It can be an intrusive action; it can enable the other person not to help themselves and therefore not grow; it can make the other person invisible or create an unequal relationship between a “hero” and a “saved” person, or a “dominant” person and a “weak” or “broken” person.

Sometimes, when we want to “help” or “fix,” we interrupt a necessary process that another being needs to grow, or we put others below us. Maybe we understand that we are being generous, but it is important to see our intentions clearly. Would we do this if we knew there would be no credit to be proud of, that we would not be the hero of the story, nor we would feel like we are more worthy at someone else’s expense? Are we trying to feel valuable or build an ego or image of a “good” person at other people’s expense?

Serving is different. To serve is to give another the dignity of choosing whether they need our help or not, because: It’s not about us! And it allows us to step aside if what the other person needs is to learn the tools to help themselves become stronger and grow WITHOUT DEPENDING ON US or our helping or fixing.

Rachel Naomi Remen, author of the article “Fixing, Helping, or Serving?” says: “Service is a relationship between equals: our service strengthens us as well as others. Fixing and helping are draining, and over time we may burn out, but service is renewing.”

Remen explains that when we help and fix, we are doing so from our ego, which has limited structure and energy. Maybe we do it for personal gratification or satisfaction. We are not doing something “wrong.” But if we “help” by seeking only our own satisfaction or gratification or aggrandizement, then it is not very different from wanting to satisfy ourselves with any other mechanism that gives us a good “shot” of gratification: “It was thanks to me.” “They can’t live without me.” “They don’t know what to do without me.” “No one is going to love/help you like I do.” “What are you going to do without me”? “You without me are…”. It’s about us, not the other person’s dignity. This type of “helping” and “fixing” drains us; it can cause resentment to the person we’re trying to “help,” and when we experience burnout, we feel resentful too.

Instead, service is based on the premise that both of us, the server and who is receiving the service are whole and complete beings who share a common experience. We are not broken. The other person is not broken either. The sense of completeness and wholeness is the same in me and in the other person. There are no hierarchies, no dominance, no imposition from a parachute… If we see that perhaps the other person has some need and we feel motivated by genuine compassion (which is not the same as pity!), we treat the other person WITH DIGNITY while approaching them TO ASK FIRST: Do you need assistance? Can I be of service to you?

When we serve, we go with the wholesome intention that the other person will tell us how they need us to be of service, instead of imposing on them that we know better… We even have the openness for the other person to tell us that they don’t need our service. We step aside and let the other person make their own decisions and receive assistance if they want to… even if we don’t agree, because it’s not about us! By sharing as equals, we may be surprised to see that the other person’s presence also touches us in a special way, also teaches us, also makes us grow, because we have chosen to see them as an equal, as a whole being. We serve out of generosity, out of authentic detachment, and that does not weigh us down; it does not burden us. On the contrary, it lightens us. Generosity renews itself.

Do you feel depleted, or do you feel whole? Are you helping, fixing, or serving?

I invite you to read Rachel Naomi Remen’s article on the mentalhealthsf.org page: https://www.mentalhealthsf.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/HelpingFixingServing-by-Rachel-Remen.pdf

I’m leaving a hug here; in case you need it. May it bring relief to your heart.

Calendar of events: https://yaishavargas.com/2024/01/09/calendario-para-enero-y-febrero-2024/