Copyright 2013© All rights reserved
by Samadhi Yaisha
“My life was never mine to begin with.”
❦
If I could stop pretending, I’d say
that freedom has boldly blasted
my door a few times.
And she’s not necessarily pretty as an innocent dove.
She’s fierce, visceral
–a perfect warrior of naked steel.
❦
Yes, she is daring and fearless.
Comes banging at the door of my heart
without permission,
and sweeps all my comforts away.
❦
Throws me off a cliff: “Now you fly!”
Pushes me to the cold water: “Now you swim!”
❦
Gentleness is not in her curriculum for me,
apparently.
Perhaps I don’t understand gentle.
Perhaps I only get the military call
to belong to her ferocious squad of those
not allowed to give excuses.
❦
She strips my soul of the lies I believed in
again and again.
“Ok! Now you wake up!” she says.
“And, out of your own vigor, grow!”
❦
If I could stop pretending, I’d say
that I was sick
with distorted perceptions about myself.
I allowed others to plant these beliefs
in my consciousness.
Fed them myself,
and blamed them for my results.
❦
If I could stop pretending, I’d say
that I never wanted to overachieve,
that I didn’t care about perfection.
That all I wanted was the the happiness
simplicity brings.
❦
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❦
If I could stop pretending, I’d say
that I expected others to be constant in their beliefs.
And I was disappointed when they proved to be
just
human.
❦
If I could stop pretending, I’d say
that I have omitted a few lines of this poem.
I have censored myself,
out of fear of judgement,
out of self compassion.
❦
If I could stop pretending, I’d say,
that I don’t know, perhaps,
how not to pretend anymore?
❦
If I could stop pretending, I’d say
that I don’t care to be thin.
I’d choose to be fat,
if only it didn’t drag me into addiction and despair.
❦
I’d be simple, happy, plump … perhaps free? Who knows!
❦
If I had a choice,
I’d choose to stop pretending.
I’d choose to go around naked.
I’d choose to put myself out there for others to see
there is only a breath here wearing skin and curls,
a “who” in here
somewhere,
who still longs for freedom.
❦
And, who knows,
maybe this not so pretentious poem
is just another facade
to pretend
I’m not
pretending.
❦
“The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.” James A. Garfield
Copyright 2013© All rights reserved
Image: layoutsparks.com
Wow. I love it, Samadhi. Thank you for baring your soul.
Thank you for reading my poem. I always appreciate your comments 🙂
Beautifully written. I thought I gave my love away until I understood my heart. We can not give anything more than invitations, intentions, and chances. What we feel, past or present, is within us as we go toward who we want to become. You have my support, admiration and company. Thank you for sharing. I liked your poem, F
Thank you for your feedback and support! You do a beautiful work, and I appreciate it! Many blessings. 🙂